Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Fun day with the kids

When my brother's and my cousins' children were born my heart was broken each single time. Especially when the first three were born - I was so sad that I had to gather all the strength that I could so that when I went for the first visit I could pretend how happy I was. It was incredibly hard to hold the babies for the first (and second and third...) time. And the hardest part was hiding my sadness from my parents and other family. I didn't want them to worry about me.

The darkest years of my infertility have been over for the past few years. And I can honestly say that I am doing better each year.

A small proof of my recovery is this story:

I took 5 nephews & nieces (aged from 3 to 9) for a train ride last week, we visited an event that is meant for families with children. The event included lots of sweets and lots of fun activities.

When we were on the train, the controller of the tickets came to us and he was so surprised that he didn't even greet. He asked: "You ma'am have five children!!??".
I replied that I didn't have any children, that I just borrowed those five.
He said: "It is all right, have a pleasant trip."
I was confused and I said that I wanted to buy the tickets.
And the controller said: "It is all right, you are the guests of our railways."

It was so funny! Only then I realized that he thought that I was joking. And he didn't want to take money from single mom with five kids :)

All children (except 7-year-old rebellious niece) were picture perfect. They had lots of fun.

Needless to say I was exhausted after having them for 5 hours. I was very glad to return them safely to their parents.

But overall, I am very happy that I organized this special  day for us. Since I really want to be an auntie who does fun things with them. I don't want to be the auntie who buys expensive presents.

Monday, April 17, 2017


I read this incredible story five years ago: 

I watched the movie filmed after that story yesterday, I loved it! Thank you, Elaine, for recommending the movie.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Facts of Life

I just read this great post. I have to read this book one day!
One sentence from this book really touched my soul:

"She feels guilty about Jack not having the chance to become a father because of her defective body"

This is how I have felt for the last 14 years. I robbed my beloved husband of possibility of having children. 


I have been doing very well lately. But still, there are plenty of remainders that I am not healed. I might never be, at least not completely.

I have just met a distant relative, he is only few years older then me. I know that his daughter will have a firstborn soon so I wanted to be polite and asked when the child would be born. He replied: "After 9 months."    I found the reply not funny at all. To make the thing even worse - he commented further - that now it will be a very difficult time for him. Silly me - but I asked him what did he mean and replied: "From now on I will always have to sleep with a granny."
That kind of  joke is completely ridicolous when you tell it to an infertile woman.

I had to put the anger somewhere so I went cycling. On a way home I saw my school-friend with his  babies, both aged under 2. As a dear pen-friend of mine wrote - it is not fair that men so easily get a second chance (he already has adult children). I am over 40 so my child-bearing years are long over. And what is even sadder - they never began at the first place.

I have been enjoying teaching a teenage boy (he is almost 17 now). It is lovely to observe his transformation from rebellious teen to a kind polite young man. I don't want to boast but I really think that his mom (who is more or less my age) adores me - the way how I adjust my teaching techniques. Teaching is good for me as well - I have improved my English and German a lot!
I like chatting to the boy's mom. The conversation is   mostly about her boy - but it is nice. Talking about him never hurts me. After all, somehow the boy became part of my life, after teaching him for two years. But last time she had the need to share with me a sweet story how she announced her pregnancy to her husband. This story hurt, I didn't want to know the details that I know now. I listened but then I used the first opportunity to escape.

There is a good news. I have a good colleague at work who is pregnant. As far as I can remember, this is the first pregnancy after my infertility that I am handeling very well. I am actually looking forward that her daughter is born. So I guess  it is a small step towards healing.

Friday, April 7, 2017


I have just returned from Milan, from a short business trip. It was lovely to be able to walk every evening in the beautiful historic city centre. But it was aweful to ride in hot overcrowded metro every day. I didn't feel safe at all. I am very glad to be back home in my small green country.

So basically what I wanted to say is that I am still here. I am just too busy right now to write. And what's even more important - I don't have time for any negative thoughts regarding my childlessness.

It feels good, living my life. It really doesn't make any sense to regret not having the life that obviously just wasn't meant for me.