Saturday, February 27, 2016


Since the infertility, I avoided all youtube videos with kids. They hurt too much.

I came across this video the other day and I just loved it. The girl performing is Luciano Pavarotti's granddaughter. Her voice is just breathtaking. The spirit and voice of Luciano Pavarotti live on.

Hearing this girl, many lovely memories came back.

It was summer 1991, I was 18 and I was an Au Pair in London. How I loved living & working in London for almost three months. One day I attended an open concert of Luciano Pavarotti in Hyde Park.  There were one million of us, who came to a free concert. It was just awesome.

I love living. I treasure my memories each year more. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Search for Happiness

Hector and the Search for Happiness 

I have just finished reading this little book. I just loved it, except he last page of the book.

Here is a description of the book: Hector and the Search for Happiness

This idea is so close to me, pack somethings and just go travelling. You can learn so much, when leave your every day life.

I love the list of happiness statements that Hector did:
I love lesson number 1 the most. So very true!

And I have just noticed that also the movie have been made two years ago. I watched trailer, it looks like a nice movie.


But I didn't like the last few sentences of the book:

"... and he loved Clara more, too. An as a result, Clara became less interested in her meetings and stopped bringing work home at the weekends and began looking at babies when she saw them with their mothers in the street. And Hector noticed this and thought that one day he and Clara might get married, live happily and have many children."

I know that this is how majority of people imagine a happy life. Get married, have children, live happily ever after.

What about childless people like me?

I didn't let the ending of the book to spoil my evening. After all, it is not an author's fault that I am infertile.

It is my own job, to find my own version of living happily ever after (despite not having children).

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Active weekend

Spring is slowly coming. I was walking a lot in the past few days, always with Wolfie. Total kilometers made in the last three days: 26 km walking. Not bad for a puppy who is not even 1 year old.

Walking is good. Since it leaves me no time for writing, thinking or being sad.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

A melancholy sense of awaiting its true destiny

" Nick and Ilsa's guest room, which had bare white walls and a melancholy sense of awaiting its true destiny. They had been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a child. Strike never enquired as to their progres and sensed that Nick, in particular, was grateful for his restraint."
Career of Evil, J. K. Rowling 

I just finished reading the novel Career of Evil. I didn't like is as much as I did the first two books. But still, Rowling does have a talent for writing.

After reading this part, I went to see the room that was meant to be our child's room. Yes, it did have  a melancholy sense of awaiting its true destiny for many years. Now it is just a very practical storeroom.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Where did those dreams come from?

I woke up at 3 am, during very vivid dreams.
I was in the doctor's office, talking about drugs for my next IVF treatment. The doctor was very kind, he took time to talk to me. .  He showed me some special medicines that increase success rates.I felt good. I felt sure that that IVF would finally work out.

I woke up and started thinking, whether I was planning another IVF. I wasn't sure. Then I remembered that I am almost 43, which means the clinics would reject me.

For a change I felt good, being over certain age limit. It means that there isn't anything to decide any more. So I could get back to sleep.

But I still wonder. Where did those dreams come from?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Beautiful motivation speech

A dear pen-friend of mine shared this motivation speech from Rocky with me.
It is just beautiful, so I am sharing it with you.

It made me think. When I am old, what will be my reason to stay alive?
What is my favorite thing that I have on this Earth?
Something, that is like an angel on my shoulder.

I've never watched the Rocky movies, I will watch them one of those winter weekend evenings.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Wolfie at the Lake

It is lovely to own Wolfie. I am never lonely on weekends.  
We had a fun day together, just the two of us. 
On the photo: tired 11-month-puppy resting by the lake.