Tuesday, March 31, 2015

295 visitors

My posts are on average read by 55 people.
My NonAdoptingStory has been read by 295 people so far.

It is amazing to remember that in the beginning of my blogging days I thought I would be more then happy if I find at least one or two who are interested in the story I have to tell.


Thank you Mali for adding my post to:

My DH is joking that I am already becoming a celebrity :)

Monday, March 30, 2015

Childless / Childfree

I don't usually read articles written by childfree women. Since most of the time I feel I have nothing to do with them. I am childless. They are childfree. Two completely different kinds of people.

I guess I started to read this article because I was triggered by the title: "I got my tubes tied at 28".
My tubes were also destroyed at 28, but not intentionally, by a horrible infection.

I really liked the article so I wanted to share it with you:


This part made me laugh, so true!
Two mothers have actually said to me, “I didn’t know what love was before having a baby. You should reconsider.” I’m happy they’re happy now but “not knowing love before kids” is one of the most acutely sad things I’ve ever heard.

And I adore those of her quotes:
Here’s the thing: I’ve spent years carefully crafting the most amazing life I can.
I’m surrounded by people I love very much, who love me in return. I’m well-educated and well-traveled. I have endless time to learn about things that interest me and to see wonderful things and to meet the greatest people on earth. I leave piles of library books all over my bedroom and plan fabulous trips all over the world....
What I want is to be happy.

Friday, March 27, 2015

All children are the greatest gift?

I don't know how old are Andreas Lubitz's parents, but they could be easily only a decade older than me. I feel sorry also for them - can not even imagine what they are going through. 

I had a stressful day at work, one of the client was threatening me with a lawsuit. I was dealing with those kind of things in the past, but not in the past years. Sometimes I really wish I had enough money not to have to go to work ever again. 

A coworker invited me for cup of coffee & biscuits after work. It was our second time that we spent some time outside work (and we know each other over a decade). It was lovely. It is nice to learn more about someone that you like. She is almost 40, single, childless. She was telling me how hard will be the next birthday for her. Since she always hoped and thought that she would be married, with three kids and a dog before she was 40.

She wanted to know how was my 40th birthday. So I was telling her how hard it was. Since for me this limit - if I have kids, I will have them until I am 40 or not at all - was always very clear to me. So it was hard to accept that I am getting beyond this limit. 

She had some gentle questions, including the one why we didn't adopt. I didn't mind the question. The best part was that talking to her didn't make me sad. She told me about her life. I told her about mine.  Two kind souls, taking about real life. No pretending.  It felt good.


It is time for a short jogging. I recently bought bright yellow jogging sweater, so I am visible when jogging. Jogging (to be frank, I will jog only 10 minutes, this is my maximum for now) always makes me happy.

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend!

Thursday, March 26, 2015


I love travelling. And I love flying. Since flying almost always means going somewhere really far away.

Dying in plane crash? Really tragic.
But dying in plane crash because a co-pilot decided he wanted to die?

I am really sorry for all the lives lost because of that decision. I am sorry for their loved ones.


My problem for the last decade was that I was sure for such a long time that what happened to me, incurable infertility, was the most horrible thing that could happen to anybody.

I hope that nothing worse that infertility happens to me, for the next 5 decades. Since, knowing what I know now - living childless forever is really not such a big deal. 

PS: photo was taken by my DH, just before we landed to San Francisco 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

How should I name this post?

I wanted to share one firm belief of my country: eating young dandelion in spring is extremely healthy. So I eat it, almost every day. It is full of vitamins and anti-oxidants.


I had lunch today with my favourite coworker, who is also childless not by choice. She told me that another coworker was pregnant (much younger then us, she has a 3-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter). My only comment was: "It just isn't fair, how some uteruses and ovaries work perfectly fine and others not." 

Her reply was: "I couldn't agree more."  

We smiled bitterly and changed a topic. 

I would be very glad for my favourite coworker, if her dreams come true. But until then, I am really glad that I have a kind soul at work place who really gets me.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Our beloved Wolf, missing part in the interview

My husband recently read the interview with me: http://bamp.fr/2015/03/03/9807/

He liked it, but his comment was that he missed in the interview one important thing, that according to his belief helped me (and helped us) go through the darkest years of infertility: our beloved Wolf. 

I agree with him. I don't really know why I haven't mentioned the Wolf.  So I am correcting this now.

This is the post I wrote three years ago: 

A year after I wrote this post,  a terrible illness came and took our beloved Wolf away. I still miss him and I always will. 

I learned so many precious things from him. For example. That life is short and that you have to make most of it while it lasts. That you should use every opportunity to go for a long walk (walks through the forest are the best!). 

It is Saturday today, I don't have to work. So, this means a perfect day for a long walk.

PS: the photo above was taken in May 2012. We went for a long walk, just the two of us. And when I was tired, I sat down for a while to read a newspaper. I was very safe: My beloved Wolf guarded me :)

Thursday, March 19, 2015

I can see that you don't have children

I heard this comment on a galla business dinner a week ago and it just hasn't left my mind ever since.  

I was invited to a nice dinner. There were 200 guests, I was alone and I didn't know anybody. There were 20 round tables for 10 guests, I choose to sit with an older man who looked like kind Santa Claus, the rest of the chairs were still empty. 

There were only adults invited, except two VIP guests who came to dinner with their families. One of the families (with two boys aged 8 and 10) choose to join our table. 

One thing that I learned already years ago is that Italian parents will just love you if you do an effort to talk to their children in English. So I pretended that I almost don't speak Italian, so our table became an English speaking table. Both kids were adorable. And during the dinner the father of the family thanked me few times saying: "I am so grateful. This is the first time in life that I hear my sons talk in English."  

The boys were really nice. So it was easy to chat with them. It felt good, being able to connect with two children, enjoying delicious Italian food and having cosy evening 700 kilometers away from home.  

In the middle of the evening came as striking the horrible question, from the older man: "Do you have children?" 

I replied: "No. Do you have any?"
He did not reply to my question, he said: "Yes, I  could notice that you don't have children."

I was so surprised and hurt and angry by this comment. Since I have always been so sure that I am great with kids. Everybody around me has always been telling me so. And I really believe it. I really didn't understand what he meant by this comment. So I asked: "What do you mean?"

He replied: "I can see in your eyes, how you watch the boys. You watch them with longing in your eyes." 

I remained speechless. So I just remained quiet. There was absolutely nothing I could say. 

He sensed that he caused pain, so he started to talk about himself. He said: "I don't really regret never finding the love of my life and always being alone. But what haunts me is the fact that I am childless." 

Later on he told me that he has a cancer, the treatment wasn't completely sucessful so there aren't that many years in front of him. 

After the first dinner we spent another two days together, in a way I become friends with this older man. I guess we really liked each other.

But somehow the remarks from the first dinner just stayed. I felt so sorry for him, that he is very ill and that he regrets not having children, even that late in life. I felt sorry for me. Will I feel also regret never having children, even in the last years of my life?

PS: in the photo: Portofino, a beautiful Ligurian little town

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Great travelling photos

Those travelling photos are just wonderful:


The last photo belongs to my country, so far two of my bloggie friends visited this place, Pamela and Mali. Who will be the third?  :)


Travelling has been one of the best therapies for me, how to find days & weeks of happiness even in the darkest infertility years.   

Saturday, March 14, 2015

My NonAdopting Story

I love babies. I love children. I am good with them. And I've always wanted to be a mother one day. I just didn't want kids too early. I wanted to finish university first, and find a job. And find the love of my life.

In the beginning of our infertility journey my husband and me didn't discuss adoption. We were sure that one of the IVFs would work out.  As the years were passing by, we began realizing that IVF might not work for us, and we started to discuss adopting.

The result of each discussion was the same: we wanted to parent our child, not any child.

But if we didn't adopt, the other option was to remain childless forever and this seemed like  a horrible option at the time. So we kept looking into adoption further. 

We learned that in our country there are only 5 children adopted each year. And there are approximately 350 approved couples in line waiting for a child.  Our system prefers fostering to adoption, there are 1,300 children in foster families. Statistically this meant that the possibility of us ever getting a child for adoption was so low, that we just didn't want to waste any of our time on that.

So we started thinking about international adoption. We visited one couple that recently adopted internationally and they explained that they had to give a lawyer in that foreign country approximately  20,000 USD (in cash!). We just wondered, how much of that money was used for bribes. It would break our hearts if we found out later on, that we received a child only because some horrible injustice was made to a poor, uneducated woman. 

But the real reason why I never really wanted to adopt was because I was deeply hurt by a person that I once loved. 

When I was 12 years old, my cousin was born - a beautiful baby boy. His father was an alcoholic and his mother was a very low energy sad person, who did provide for her child's physical needs, but lacked energy for anything else. It was me who saw my cousin walk for the first time. It was me who read him fairy-tales, went for walks, to playgrounds, played with him, taught him reading. I spent time with him from the second I came back from school until he went to bed.

When he entered his teenage years, I was already finishing university, so in a way we lost contact. But whenever we met, we always talked. 

A few years ago, when he was in his mid twenties, he visited my husband and me  with his girlfriend. It was a nice afternoon and we were drinking coffee and eating apple pie.  My cousin's girlfriend mentioned her surname, so my husband asked her if her ancestors come from the country X (this is a country, lying south of our country. It is a country that my husband and I both love and  we spend many holidays there). 

My cousin replied in a very mocking and superior way: »Of course not. You can be very sure that I checked very carefully that my girl-friend is of a pure blood family from our country.«

I remained speechless for a while. Then I said: »I think it is now time you left. Your girl-friend is welcome to stay, but you are not.«

You see, my parents come from two different nationalities. I learned already as a young child that many people are nationalist. My skin got thicker. But how many times did I cry as a child when other children were calling me nasty names, just because I wasn't of »pure breed«.

With years I learned that not a lot of people have a heart of gold. A kind heart, that never hurts another person. 

I am sure, I areally am, that if my husband and I had our own child, a child with our genes, he would have a kind heart.

But if we adopted, the child could be easily the way my cousin is. And this is the risk I am not willing to take. 


I had a lovely week in Liguria, but it is great to be back home. 

I drove (alone) 2000 kilometers. I worked hard, but I also took time to enjoy.

I took some photos for you, to see Liguria through my eyes.

View from my hotel room:


I enjoyed my daily walks along the seaside: 

Santa Margherita:

Portofino (I walked all the 8 kilometers from Rapallo to Portofino!):


Delicious pizza margherita:

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Seaside hotel booked & silver linings of infertility

I got so many beautiful comments on the French site where the interview is published:

I was deeply touched by some of them.

I am really glad that I was learning French for four years in the secondary school, so I understand quite some of it. And with the help of google translate, I understood everything.

And I love the mix of  comments in French and English there.  It makes the world smaller and nicer and friendlier place to live.

I am now saying goodbye for one week. I am leaving tomorrow for a long business trip. I already have a hotel booked, it is directly on the seaside, in a beautiful small town in Liguria, Italy.  4  other colleagues were offered this business trip first. None of them wanted to go since they all have small kids and they can not leave for a whole week. 

Me? I am more then happy to go for a whole week. I am looking forward to it a lot. There will be lots of sunshine! I will take some long walks along the beach. I will discover some new cities, 700 kilometers away from home, in the part of Italy where I haven't been before.

Yes, there are some silver linings of infertility :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Interview with me :)

I love the interview that my bloggie friend Lara did with me. 
I will be glad if you read it:
It is in French (it is lovely to see my words translated to this beautiful language), added is also English version of the interview. 
It would make me very happy if you left a comment on bamp.fr website, so that we mix comments in French and English :)
I love the title of the interview:  Vivre sans enfant est-ce possible? Is it possible to live without children?
Dear Lara - thank you for taking time.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

BentnotBroken: NonAdoption Story

I am very happy to find another bloggie friend's NonAdoption Story:

dear BentnotBroken: thank you for sharing your story with us!