Thursday, February 26, 2015

3rd of March: interview with Klara :)

For the last few months I was exchanging emails with an infertility survivor from France (she is one of the lucky ones, she is blessed with two kids now).

I really like her. And I liked her genuine interest in me. How does it feel knowing, that you wish kids more then anything in the word and not be able to have them. Ever. 

She realized that in France there aren't many stories out there (or blogs), about living (eventually) happily after infertility. So she decided to make an interview with me. 

I am looking forward to the 3rd of March when the interview will be published. I will post a link. 

PS: The photo of Lone Cypress was taken in October 2014, during our drive along Pacific Highway 1. I just love this tree! Did you know that this is one of the most photographed trees in North America?

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

My NonAdopting story

Some stories are not easy to write.
My NonAdopting story will be written and published in March.
I will let you know when I write it, so we can publish our stories on the same day.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Meet my country

If you ever wondered how does a country where I come from look like, watch this travel programme. 
My country is very beautifully portrayed here. 
If you haven't chosen your this year's destination for holidays, here is an idea :)

(may I add just something. Local tourist guide speaks about president Tito as a person with magical powers. He had no such powers. He was just a horrible dictator, responsible for 500,000 deaths). 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The most important lesson of infertility: Life is unfair

Some weeks ago I got an email from a bloggie friend from France. I read the article and it just stuck with me, so I have to share it with you.

I could not write the comment more beautifully, so I am just quoting her:

"Here is an article I liked about thinking that life is fair: if you think that life is fair, then you have to blame the victims. So those who think that it's only fair that they got their babies will also think that those who didn't somehow deserved their luck (or lack of). The article has nothing to do with infertility but I think that it applies:"

I love having bloggie friends from all over the world.
You make me think.
You make my world richer. Nicer. More interesting. Kinder. Nicer. Loving.
Thank you for being there.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

written by: William Ernest Henley, 1875


One of my favourite movies all times is Invictus. 
I admire Mandela. 

This poem was writen almost 100 years before I was born and still the poem is very close to my heart. 
I printed out the poem and put it on the wall. 
To help me remember, when the dark days of infertility will come again, that I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day

Not all of my dreams came true. I am not a mother and I will never be...

But some dreams turned out hundred times better as I hoped and prayed for. 

I love my husband.

He is the love of my life.

I wouldn't want to go through life with anyone else at my side.

I can only hope and pray that many more happy and healthy years are there, waiting for the two of us.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Missing my daughter

I love my cousin. But sometimes I think I should give her a book with instructions what she is allowed to talk to me and what not.

Her 5-year-old daughter left today for a week with her kindergarten, to learn how to ski.
(skiing is a huge sport in my country - I don't really ski - but I am a big fan of our Tina:

Anyway, my cousin resent me today some photos showing her daughter learning how to ski. Extra sweet photos! And she wrote me an essay how horribly quiet and empty her home is without her daughter. How she misses her. Etc. Etc.

Yes, my cousin would need a manual with a title "How to handle infertile cousins".

Obviously I understand she misses her daughter.

But how can she not understand that I miss my daughter every day. Her name would be Lucija.
If all of my wishes came true, she would be now 11 years old (there are 12 years since our honeymoon).
If my first IVF worked out, Lucija would be 9 years old.
If my tenth IVF worked out, Lucija would be 4 years old.


My cousin's daughter will be back within few days.

My daughter will always remain only in my dreams. That never came true.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Why we didn't adopt. Sharing our stories.

Why don't you just adopt?  If you've battled infertility for long enough, you've been asked this question.  It's not an easy or simple question to answer.  Since knowledge is power and we belong to a community of women supporting other women, I would like to ask for others to share their adoption story, specifically why they chose not to adopt.   

Adoption is a beautiful thing and it is a wonderful way for many people to grow their families.  Adoption is also an intensely personal decision made by a couple after carefully considering a number of factors that are unique to them.  In short, there is no universal right answer to the "why don't you just adopt?" question.  The right answer is unique to the couple that makes the decision, including the decision not to adopt.  By listening to stories different from our own we can learn how to be more supportive.

I have decided to share my story, the story of why we didn't adopt, on February 28th and would love it if others wrote their story on the same day too.

PS: photo was taken on our Sunday walk. It was beautiful to walk through snowy forest.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Even when 47?

Spoiler alert: if you are planning to read The girl who saved the king of Sweden, stop reading this post here.


I just finished reading the novel. I liked the first 412 pages.
But then on the page 413 are those lines:

If God does exist, he must have a good sense of humour.
N. had longed to have a baby with H. for twenty years; she had given up hope five years earlier, and she had made it to forty-seven years of age when she realized in July 2008 that she really was pregnant.

How I hate those lines. Not that I wouldn't be happy for the main characters in the book to get their dream. But I hate the fact that there will be over million people worldwide reading this book. Which means million of people will be under impression that at the end EVERYBODY gets pregnant.   Even when 47.

Lennon & Maisy

How do I know that the darkest days of my infertility are over?

I came across this music:

and really loved it. I found on youtube plenty of other great songs that they peform (including Ring of Fire that I love).

In the darkest days of my infertility it would just hurt to watch cute and talented young girls. Knowing that there would never be my daughter.

Friday, February 6, 2015

How do you balance work and not having children when you want them?

Here is a brilliant thought of a woman who went through infertility and was blessed with two children.

Recently when they asked her "how do you balance work and children" she said that the real question was "how do you balance work and not having children when you want them". 


I never thought about it this way, but it is so true!  

I am lucky  to have some lovely bloggie friends who make my days brighter and give me new viewing the world.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

To be written: The main reason why we didn't adopt

There is a blog post that has been in my mind at least for the last two years.
It has a title The main reason why we didn't adopt.
The reason includes one once dear person so it is not easy to write about it.
If you are interested, do visit my blog in a week or two.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Be different

I am childless. I am different from the vast majority of the women my age.
Seeing this lovely photo today made me smile.
It is cool to be different.
At least today I am enjoying my freedom. I've just come home from work.
And: I have no homework to do. No cooking. No laundry.
This means: it is perfect time for a winter walk :)

Sunday, February 1, 2015


photo by: Rick Smolan

I watched a beautiful movie: 

It is about Robyn Davidson who goes on a 1,700-mile trek across the deserts of West Australia to the Indian ocean with four camels and her faithful dog.

More info about this amazing trip:

I really liked Robyn. 
I like strong women who do not live traditional lives.

Watching the movie made my feet and soul itch. One day I would love to walk a really long path. Destination is not chosen yet.  

(I will not take the camels though. I will take my new dog. But he has to be born first. And he has to grow, so it will not be this year).