Tuesday, December 29, 2015

My favourite poem


You must love someone,
even though only grass, river, tree or stone,
on someone’s shoulder you must lay your hand,
so that it gluts its hunger with nearness,
there must, must be someone,
it is like bread, like a drink of water,
to whom you must give your white clouds,
your brave birds of dreams,
your shy birds of helplessness
- somewhere for them there must be
a nest of peace and tenderness -,
you must love someone,
though only grass, river, tree or stone,
for trees and grass know what loneliness is
- for footsteps always pass by
even if they pause for a moment -,
for the river knows what sadness is
- it need only brood over its depths -,
for the stone knows what pain is
- how many heavy feet
have already gone over its mute heart -,
you must love someone,
you must love someone,
walk side by side with someone
on the same path -
oh grass, river, stone, tree,
silent companions of the strange and lonely,
good, great beings,
who begin to speak
only when men have fallen silent.
(Translated by Alasdair MacKinnon)

slovene version:

Ivan Minatti - Nekoga moraš imeti rad

Nekoga moraš imeti rad,
pa čeprav trave, reko, drevo ali kamen,
nekomu moraš nasloniti roko na ramo,
da se, lačna, nasiti bližine,
nekomu moraš, moraš,
to je kot kruh, kot požirek vode,
moraš dati svoje bele oblake,
svoje drzne ptice sanj,
svoje plašne ptice nemoči
- nekje vendar mora biti zanje
gnezdo miru in nežnosti -,
nekoga moraš imeti rad,
pa čeprav trave, reko, drevo ali kamen
ker drevesa in trave vedo za samoto
- kajti koraki vselej odidejo dalje,
pa čeprav se za hip ustavijo -,
ker reka ve za žalost
- če se le nagne nad svojo globino -,
ker kamen pozna bolečino
- koliko težkih nog
je že šlo čez njegovo nemo srce -,
nekoga moraš imeti rad,
nekoga moraš imeti rad,
z nekom moraš v korak,
v isto sled -
o trave, reka, kamen, drevo,
molčeči spremljevalci samotnežev in čudakov,
dobra, velika bitja,
ki spregovore samo,
kadar umolknejo ljudje.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

With In Vitro Fertilization, Persistence Pays Off?

I just read this article:

Sentence from the article:
"Nearly two-thirds of women undergoing I.V.F. will have a child by the sixth attempt, suggesting that persistence can pay off, especially for women under 40."

If I wrote this article, my sentence would be:
More then one third of women undergoing I.V.F. will NOT have a child by the sixth attempt.

I am already 40+, so it doesn't really make sense for me to read articles like this. It doesn't matter any more, at least not for me.

I took my cousin's kids (aged 3 and 6) for a fun day, we attended some animation programme for the kids. It was my Christmas gift for them (what I wanted to give them were nice experiences & lovely memories / kids now have enough of material things anyway).
It was nice.  But at the end of the day I felt empty. It is hard to see what infertility took away from me, for good.

In the last few days I got some beautiful emails, thank you. I was deeply touched when reading them.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas

Wishing Merry Christmas to all my readers who celebrate it. 

Thank you to all who took time to write to me. I got 6 very kind emails from France, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, New Mexico and from north of the USA.  They mean a world to me!

But the first email that I got, wasn't  really nice. The reader from the north of Europe told me that my blog is often very bitter.  Guess what? I know it is bitter (sometimes). I don't need anybody telling me that. 


I was working very hard lately. I worked yesterday until the evening and then I cycled to Ljubljana's city centre... which is just magic with Christmas lights. I took some photos for you.

I loved walking around the city centre. Enjoying the moment. 


I am now 6 days off work. What a luxury! 

We got back our Netflix subscription, for 3 months. Winters are so much more fun with Netflix!

We've just finished watching this: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2249364/  
We liked it a lot.

Now we are watching: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2442560/?ref_=nv_sr_1
My husband loved it from the start. I love it now (and yes, I admit, I am having a bit of crush with Tommy ;)

I did not watch this movie, nor will I: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3707106/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_4
But I did watch the trailer.
Angelina is a mother of seven. And she thinks she has the ability to portrey an infertile woman?

Saturday, December 12, 2015

What I wish for Christmas

I have only wish for Christmas this year.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you. 

I promise I will not publish your emails. Nor misuse them in any way.

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com

I am looking forward to Christmas :)

PS: photo above was taken in Perito Moreno, Patagonia, ten years ago. How I miss travelling! 

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Who won?

I noticed that people who have their own kids, don't mention their nephews and nieces a lot. When they do, they usually mentioned them as playing buddies for their own children.

For childless people nephews and nieces are important.  They are the closest to our genes in the next generation.

One thing that was on my mind lately and it was never said before. So I will say it.

If you are a childless woman and you have a sister that has her own children - then you really have nieces and nephews.

But if you have only a brother who has his own children - you really don't have nieces and nephews. Since those children belong much more to  their mother's family then in yours.

How I looked forward to all the fun things I will do with my nieces one day (like teaching them English, reading stories, going to the zoo)!  My younger niece is already 4 and I didn't have her in her entire life not even for five minutes. My older niece is 8 and basically I can have her only once per year, for one afternoon, to visit Santa Claus carnival. All the other times I asked to have them, their mother found some kind of excuse why not. So I stopped asking.

Who won? Not me. And certainly not the girls.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


Today it is one of those dark days that come when at least expected. I feel that I don't really live my life. All I do is ticking of tasks from my long to-do-list at work and from my to-do-list at home.

When did I have the last unplanned day, just for myself? Can't remember.

I guess happy-get-together with business partners did not help. I met a really nice colleague that I haven't seen for ages. We had two IVFs at the same time.  I knew that her first was unsucessful. But I didn't know if her second worked out or not, since she changed work and I never met her again.

I met her again today.  She has twins, aged 7. And soon after the twins were born, she got a surprise baby.

She is a nice girl, I am happy for her.
But at the same time I feel sad for myself.
I know. I am over 40. I should get over it. Most of the time I am doing pretty well. Just not today.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The beautiful scarf

Not many women in my age group (40+) are still lucky enough to have a granny.
I am among the lucky ones.

I have been working very hard lately (each day 10 hours+, including Saturdays). I have literally no time. Since I know the long hours are temporary, I don't really mind. But one  thing has been on my mind lately.

Everything will wait. But what if something unpredictable happens to my granny? I would forever regret for not taking time for her.

I visited her today, it was lovely.

She is now knitting a beautiful colourful new scarf for me. I can't wait to get it! I love scarfs. And I know this will be my favourite.   The things that I love I never throw away... so this scarf will  be mine always.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Some helpful man rules

Man Rules 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear
 "the rules" 
From the female side..
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! 
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " 
1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 
We need it up, you need it down. 
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work! 
Strong hints do not work! 
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem 
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
 other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. ..

1. Christopher Columbus did 
NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not 
A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it 
will be scratched. 
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or
motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. 
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Monday, November 30, 2015

Christmas Lights

The Christmas lighst in our capital are beautiful. They are already lit and I can't wait to see them.
(the attached photos are from the last year).

I just read a nice post about the lights in the capital:

I discovered the blog only today. I loved the description of the bloggers:
If you’re looking for a travel blog about a long-term around-the-world journey, how to travel on $50 a day or less or traveling with kids, Luxe Adventure Traveler isn’t it.  


Monday, November 23, 2015

Je parle français

How cool is that, I just started to attend a French beginning course. Best of all: my employer is paying for it.

It is lovely to have new school books (photo attached).

And on youtube I found brilliant Alexa, I love learning with her:

Is there any other language where you say 99 = 4 x 20 + 10 + 9 :)
English is so easy.
99 = 90 + 9


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Finding bits of happiness

Lately I have been quite happy at work. Especially since my work brings me to places that I wouldn't visit otherwise. I spent majority of this week at beautiful Lago di Garda / Lake Garda. Attached  photos: the Lake / Sirmione Castle (at the Lake) and from a small village closeby.

Have you read this post from March?

The old kind man from March's post invited me for a long walk, but I declined then since I didn't have time because of fixed meetings. I promised that whenever work brings me to Lake Garda, I will phone him. So I did. 

He took me for a short visiting tour of the lake, for a walk and for dinner. 
It felt good, talking. 

At one point, during the dinner, he said: "We are the same, you and me. Neither of us has kids." And then he started to talk about his regrets because he is childless. 

Later on, I still kept thinking about his comment. And what I really think is that we aren't the same at all. 

I spent a whole decade regretting not having children. But now I am done with regrets. I did my best to get a child, but it wasn't written in my destiny. It was not meant to be. What should I regret? 

While he... this is another story. When he was young, his girlfriend got pregnant. And he told her that he wasn't interested in having a child. So she just disappeared from his life. She moved to another country. He always assumed that she had an abortion and moved. But he isn't sure.  He never tried to find her (until now).

But if the girlfriend didn't have an abortion, his child would be more or less exactly my age. Perhaps I remind him of a daughter he never had.      

I really like him. But  I am afraid he is slowly loosing his battle with the cancer.

I am sad for him. But in the meantime I was reminded (again) how fragile life is. And how I have to grab bits of happiness wherever I can find them.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Albero della vita / Tree of life

I was lucky. In October, I had to go to Milan for work, so I could visit Expo. I loved it! Some photos attached.

I wished I had time to visit all pavilions, but obviously there was not enough time, especially since the waiting lines for popular pavilions were up to 6 hours (record of waiting lines had Japan).

I enjoyed walking around, alone, learning new things. Being there was like the symbol of life... all countries on one place. So many wishes. So little time.

On how many travellings will we be able to go? Which countries to choose? So many wishes. So little time. Not to mention limited income.

But when listening to the music of lovely Albero della vita / Tree of life, I just felt so very happy to live. To be the part of the world. My life may not be as I planned it to be, but it is beautiful anyway.

Here is the video of the Tree of life:

La vita e' bella! Life is beautiful!

Saturday, November 14, 2015


I am sorry for all the lives taken yesterday in Paris.
I am praying for Paris, but I am afraid that prayers are not enough.
I am afraid that this is just the real start of terrorist attacks in whole Europe.
I have my own theory whose interest it is to make Europe weaker / to destroy Europe.
I am afraid that the Europe that we knew until now is over.
This morning, I am really glad that there is not going to be a generation behind me and my husband.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Meet Isa


I just read another great interview, with Isa. Sometimes I read her blog, but my German is not that good, so it is a bit difficult. Luckily this interview is in English.

I will walk a little way behind you

My top favourite TV series all times was Sex and the City. How I loved to watch it!
My favourite characters were Charlotte and Miranda.

This clip brought tears into my eyes:

Especially the sentence: "I will just walk a little way behind you, in case you change your mind and want to talk." 

I am lucky that I had one friend who was besides me through the hardest years of my infertility. And I hope we will remain best friends for the decades to come.

I am looking forward to a walk & talk date with her today in the afternoon.
(I am glad her kids are already almost 10 which means their Saturday afternoons are busy, so my friend has time for me).

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Interview of the month

I just read great interview:

(it is also in English)

I love those two sentences from the interview:

I also discovered I was stronger than I ever thought possible. 

My life might not be ‘ordinary’ but it could be ‘extraordinary.’

Thursday, October 29, 2015

IVF Addiction

I have been so busy at work lately that I didn't have much time to follow anything online. So I read this brilliant post only today:

This is my comment to the post: 

I used to gather all the needles from my second round of IVF. It was a long protocol and I gathered all the needles and took a photo. Then, I was so sure that the IVF will work for us. I wanted to have a photo as a memory to show to my child one day.
I deleted the photo, after the negative result. But the photo is still very vivid in my mind.
Addiction. I couldn’t agree more. This is what I was, addict, in the first decade of my infertility.
I knew IVFs can leave me damage. But still, I just could not stop. I was so depressed that I literally did not care if I die. The word seemed so dark that I did not want to live if being childless.
The state fully paid for 6 rounds of IVF (also for ALL the drugs). But still, I wasn’t offered any counseling that I obviously needed much more.
I paid additional 4 IVFs by myself.
So yes, here I am. Living my life again, after 10 failed IVFs.
Breaking point for me was when I went to Czech Republic for the 10th round of IVF and the drugs caused me horrible side affects. I was so swollen – I gained 5 kilos in few days – it was water, I was all swollen, I had problems breathing and walking. That was the moment when I realized that I do love life. And that I want to LIVE.
That was the time I quit ALL fertility drugs for good.
And then I lived with my DH happily ever after :)

Friday, October 23, 2015

Belissima Italia

Somebody googled tonight "Is it OK if I am different" and found my blog.
How cool is that?  Probably the person wasn't looking for life after infertility, but still.

I am doing great lately. I am very busy, in the last 10 days I was twice in Italy on a business trip, each time for 3 days. I am too busy to even think about being sad about childlessness*.

I kept hearing this song on all Italian radio stations:

So I wanted to share some Italian music with you.

Driving through Slovenian alpine region to Italy: 

.... reaching Italian seaside:

*The only times that my infertility hurts is when interacting with colleagues or business partners. How I envy them. Most of them are my age. All of them have children. How easy is for them to find a common language. Even if they don't have much in common, there is always a sentence "So how are your kids doing?". And endless conversation can begin....  I was glad when the dinner was over, so I could go for a long walk along the beach.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

15th October

Infertility took a lot from me.

But on the other hand, it gave me so much. So many exciting, wonderful memories that will stay for me forever.

Exactly one year ago we landed at San Francisco airport for our 3-week-travelling around California & Nevada. Happy times.

Dear P&A: we are looking forward to many more travelling together in the next decades!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015


"If you can't fight, and you can't flee, then flow." 

 I love exchanging emails with my bloggie friends. This is the sentence that I read for the first time recently and it stuck in my mind. This is what I have been doing recently. Flowing.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Year of the Rooster

I have just finished reading an excellent book written by Czech author, Tereza Boučkova, Year of the Rooster / original title: Rok kohouta:


It hasn't been translated to English yet, but it was translated in many European languages.

I applaud the author for the courage. Because, she wrote about the theme that it is a tabu in our society. Adoption story that did not went well. It is an autobiographic story.

She and her husband couldn't have children, so they adopted two Romany babies, two boys. They gave them all the love possible and offered best education possible. But still, when the boys were still teenagers, they went to the living that is written in their genes. Living somewhere without official address, without documents, without jobs, providing for themselves with small criminal.

I know there are many many adoptions with happy ending.

But deep in my soul I know that if we adopted, our adoption story would be the same as described in the novel. 

It doesn't really matter actually what we think about adoption any more. My husband will be soon 50 and I will be within few years... We are way too old for adopting now anyway.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Good news II

My gyn has just made another ultrasound.
The cyst has gone, completely.
I am really happy.

(Now all I have to do is to put under control the reflux that has been bothering me for the last three months and then I have no further wishes).

PS:  This year I had 40 sunflowers on my garden, they were beautiful. The photo was taken a month ago.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Chain email

I just got a chain letter from a friend - the text was sweet.
"I know you are busy with everyday life, and so am I , I just wanted to tell you that I love you bla bla bla". 

It is true that we don't see each other often.
But she knows about my failed 10 IVFs.
And she still thinks it is OK to send me an email with this photo???

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The results are a relief

Thank you for all of your kind wishes!

I am going back in one week, for monitoring the size of the cyst. But I am not worried any more.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Angels with wet wings do not fly

I had an annual pelvic exam today. I entered to the waiting room and it was a huge relief to see that nobody is waiting. Usually the waiting room is full with pregnant women.

There were tons of different posters, commercials, fliers for pregnant women and women with infants. Then I had noticed small fliers with a title: "Angels with wet wings do not fly." I liked the saying, so I opened the booklet, since I was so sure it was something about infertility. No, infertility does not exist in that waiting room. It was info regarding postnatal depression.

I was called to a nurse, it is the same one who is handeling me for the last two decades. Her first question was: "Any delivery?"  I felt like screaming. I didn't scream. I just replied quietly "No".

She could only open my documents - it is all there. That I had 10 failed IVFs. No delivery. No baby.

Writing about it sounds silly. It hurt then. Now I couldn't care less.
If you get a big problem, you forget about the small ones.

My gynecologist was very kind, as always.

She found a cyst, almost 5 cm long, in my ovary. She said that it could be nothing. But it could be cancer.

Till today I didn't even know that a test with a name CA 125 exists:


Now I know.

One week of waiting before I get the results.

Do keep your fingers crossed for me. Please.