Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Sad days

I have spent many of the last few days alone: cycling and working in my vegetable garden. Being outside, on fresh air and sun really does wonders. 

My DH is busy, taking care of his dying father.  It is very sad to see my husband sad. And it is sad to see a dear person slowly saying goodbye to life.

I am exactly half the age of my dear father-in-law. Which means that half of my life is probably already over and I am already in the second half of my life (knocking on the wood & praying that nothing bad happens). I realized that I am not willing to waste even  one single day more on being sad because my infertility. You can't always have what you want, it is just the fact of life. And I have to make most of it what I have.

Yes. My life is not what I hoped and planned it would be. But it does not mean it is not beautiful.  

PS.  Memories of beautiful traveling always lift my spirit. Photo was taken in London, few years ago. And what also helps is thinking of all the places I would love to visit one day.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Children? Not always a blessing.

I have just read an article about a 22-year-old boy killing 6 people in California.
Having a child? Well, not always a blessing.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

I love cycling

Today was a perfect day.
I cycled 96 kilometers. I cycled across the mountains to this beautiful lake. 
Now I am too tired to think and write.
Good night!

PS: I cycled from 300 meters altitude to almost 1.300 meters!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Sunny morning

It is a beautiful spring morning. I just returned from 15 minutes of light jogging, had a shower and a breakfast with DH. He left for work. And I have to go within few minutes.

While jogging I was thinking how lovely it would be to have some months off work.  

To do the things I love the most. Cycling, gardening, walking, swimming, reading.

I guess I should be careful what I wish for. The unemployment rate in our country is the highest ever. So now definitely is not the right time for quitting the job. 

What I can do is finish the job early and go for a long cycling tour. 


Sunday, May 18, 2014

A beautiful sentence

This is what one of my dear pen-friends from another part of the world had written me today. 
Isn't it beautiful?
So...childless-not-by-choice really really stinks, but without that experience, 
I would have never gotten to know you. 

My dear pen-friend: I feel the same!


What are the names of your children?

I met one of my relatives on the street yesterday. She is nice, but we were never very much in contact, so it was the first time that I met her children (a girl is 4 and a boy is 3).

I invited them to the nearest play ground (small and hidden) that I know that kids usually love. So did they. 

The boy was quiet. But the girl and me really liked each other - it was cute to be able to connect with 4-year-old that I just met.   She asked me many questions. And then suddenly she asked me what were the names of my children.

I  responded that I did not have children. But that my name is Klara (she did not know my name before) and that my mum's name is X. 

And - the little girl was more than satisfied with the answer. No additional questions (on that issue) were asked.

I wish the adults would learn something from that clever little girl!

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Benefits of infertility

Few days ago I spent a day on a event together with a dear coworker of mine (also a survivor of multiple failed IVFs) and our boss. 

During a lunch a coworker told me that during coffee break the boss told her since in other department they have some problems how to organize all their business trip because of the fact that that all women working are either mothers of small children or pregnant, she will have to step in and help. She will have to go to some additional business trips this year.

My coworker was pissed off - not because she will have to travel more (she loves travelling and going on business trips), but because of the fact how he said it.

I told her not to worry - that she just has to see it from the bright side - it means visiting some cities she has never been to.

At afternoon coffee break boss wanted to talk to me alone and he told me that in other department they have some problems how to organize all their business trip because of the fact that that all women working are either mothers of small children or pregnant,  I will have to step in and help. I  will have to go to some additional business trips this year.


I told the story to my coworker late in the evening, when we were driving in a car together back home. 

We laughed so much. It was really funny. The boss used exactly the same words to both of us.  

More travelling. Less office time. Life is good. Yes, infertility does have some benefits indeed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Accepting life as it is

Few days ago I was babysitting my best girl friend's kids whole afternoon. Children's playground is normally a place that I avoid as a plague, but it is a very practical place for taking kids to.

There I met a mother of one of my school friends (we met when we were 7) and she was one of my best friends during my university years.... but somehow we lost contact because of my infertility. It was to painful for me to be there for her two pregnancies. And it was to painful for her since she did not know how to approach me.

Her mum is really such a warm kind lady. She has always been extra kind to me, for the last 34 years. But now I hadn't meet her for almost a decade, so we were both very happy to see each other and we started to talk (she was on a playground with her two grandchildren).

She started to tell me how sad and worried and scared she was because of her daughter's illness. You see, my friend was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago (and the illness is developing very fast). She told me how life usually isn't how we expect it to be. But that the only way to survive is to accept it as it is and live it to the fullest you can.

I don't ever do that, but to her, I just told her that I wanted to have children of my own, but couldn't. And she replied that she knew, her daughter told her. And she added that this was really sad since she doesn't know anybody who had such a talent for children as I did. 

Her remark didn't make me sad. I just said that her conclusion about accepting life as it is and to live it to the fullest you can, applies also to me.  

I think we both felt really good after talking to each other. 


After I returned the children home, I called my friend with MS and we are having a birthday ice cream together next week. I guess it is time I get some people that infertility stole from me, back to my life.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Netflix - advice needed

 Here is a list of our favourite TV shows in the last decade:
  1. House M.D.
  2. Breaking Bad
  3. House of Cards
We are now needing advice - what else to watch on Netflix.
Ideas welcome :)

Sunday, May 11, 2014


Breaking Bad (2008) Poster

We just finished watching the last episode of the last season of Breaking Bad.
We both loved it!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Only a third of middle-aged women do enough exercise

and - I am among them!

I recommend this article: 

Feeling great after a lovely cycling tour

It is a lovely warm spring Saturday and I've just returned from the longest cycling tour this year so far: 40 kilometers.  I cycled alone (but not lonely), along the river, through the forest. Just a perfect day.

How many springs did I miss because of my infertility? 5 consecutive springs, from spring 2006 to spring 2010. Always because of the same reason: my body was full of injected hormones, preparing for the IVF treatment. I was sore, swollen, hurt and sad and full of dreams that never came true.

I am just so happy that those dreadful years, going from one failed treatment to another, are over. For good.

Friday, May 9, 2014


How the days and months are quickly passing by. This weekend will be already one year since the wonderful holiday with friends in Dalmatia.

I know I have some new readers, so here is the link to the photos: 

Story about our friendship confirms that from the sadness of infertility a beautiful friendship can be born and that bloggie friends can become real friends.


Monday, May 5, 2014

It is lovely not to be alone

I have just noticed that my blog has just had 44444 page views. 
When I started writing it, I thought it would be just lovely if I found at least one person somewhere on Earth dealing with fresh wounds of infertility. It turned out that there are a lot of us out there.
It is lovely to have my own corner to express my feelings.

I had a rough day at work today. Two of my coworkers returned to work after one year of maternity leave. One coworker returning? I can handle somehow. Two? Not that well.  I don't really want to go into any details. It was just hard for example to go for a lunch and everybody was so happy & excited to hear ALL detailed stories that went on in the last year. And the others were sharing their own memories... I was exhausted from all the baby stories...

My way of coping with all my negative feelings?
1. Finishing work early.
2. Going for a 15-kilometer-cycling tour through beautiful nature
3. Going to library
4. Going for a 20-minutes-jogging in the evening.
I feel much better! 

Thank you for reading me.
It is lovely not to be alone.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Comes the Dawn

A friend of mine lost her mother few days ago.
Here is her Mum's favourite poem - I think it is just beautiful. Especially these lines mean a lot to me: 

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

May she rest in peace.

Saturday, May 3, 2014


Since our honeymoon (11 years ago) me & DH are daydreaming of returning to Jasper National Park one day. Now we have an additional reason:

Young parents

I literally do not know anybody that has so young parents as I do. 
I am over 40. And none of them is even 60. 
It is really funny: I am in an age group 40+.  And they are in the age group 50+.  
They are both extremly fit - their favourite hobby is going to the mountains. Right now they are travelling around my favourite part of the world - Dalmatian islands. 
(photo above taken by me, few years ago).

Not long ago I told my mother: "It was really hard to me when I was little, having teenage parents, because you were too young. But now - having so young parents - is the best thing ever."

Thursday, May 1, 2014

It is my fault. I should do more belly workout.

A colleague of mine had a goodbye party in the office yesterday. So, there we were, approx. 20 coworkers, gathered in tiny office, drinking champagne, eating snacks and chatting.  I was in charge of music, so there was my favourite music. I put on Rolling Stones' Miss you, I felt good.

And then, out of the blue, one of the colleagues came to me, and whispered in my ears: "And when will you announce us the happy news?"

Yes, I admit, I gained few kilos since my beloved Wolf died. And I did wear a new tunika.  But I swear - I do not look pregnant.

I don't know how I came with such an answer (it just came out). I said, gentle, but very calm assertive: "If you do not want me to start crying so much that I will cry my soul out, please never ever ask me this question again." And I left the room, for few minutes, just that she had time to think.

When I came back, the coworker came to me and apologized. And then she said that she was sorry and that now was not a good time to talk. I said that now totally wasn't the right time to talk. And we both returned to the party.

Nobody even noticed anything strange. Luckily the Rolling Stones did their job, as always.

I felt proud of myself afterwards. If I didn't stop her with something really dramatic, soon there would be some other coworker joining the stupid questions.

I went for a long walk with a friend afterwards (she is two years older then me, single & childless). She is always so full of positive energy, it is lovely to be with her.