Tuesday, December 31, 2013


Before I got my new mobile number few years ago, it belonged to a doctor with a private practice. At the beginning I had many calls looking for medical advice.  Yesterday I got a really long SMS (addressed to this doctor) saying:

"Dear Doctor, do you remember me - I am XY. Six months ago I had an abortion and you advised me to start taking birth control. I did not listen to your advice and last week I had an unprotected (you know what) with my husband and now I fear that I might be pregnant again (I had all the signs). A girlfriend told me to take three birth control pills at once and I did and now I urgently need your advice. What should I do???"

I was in the middle of the office work when I got this SMS. I just couldn't believe my eyes. How stupid some women are! I thought for a second that it would be nice thing of me to reply back that the doctor changed her mobile years ago. But I did not reply anything. I just deleted it. The woman who has killed at least one baby and is planning to do the same with this one, does not deserve an SMS from me.

I finished work early. I went for mulled wine to the city centre with a coworker (few years younger, also tried some IVFs, without luck). I told her about this SMS and we just laughed that life just isn't fair. That mother nature gave to this stupid woman this perfect womb and perfect ovaries. And not to us.

Then we ordered another mulled wine. And we both agreed that life is good. Just the way it is. We drank to that.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Happy New Year

My dear bloggie friends,
I wish you all a happy New Year!!!

When I was younger, I loved to add in my New Year's cards a sentence: "May all your wishes come true." I don't use that sentence any more. I have learned that not all wishes come true. And this is OK as well.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

Two little girls & a snowman

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday. I took two little girls (my brother's daughter: aged 6 and my cousin's daughter: aged 4) with a train to the capital. Mission: to see the New Year's carnival for children. 

Everything was perfect - a long walk around the city centre (it is beautiful, see the photo above), meal at McDonalds, we had a great viewing point for the carnival. They got lots and lots of candies from the snow bears / bunnies / fairies / snowmen** / and all other creatures that accompany Ded Moroz / Slavic Santa Claus.

It is interesting, how painful were for me the days when they were born (because they were both born in the darkest days of my infertility). And how much happy moments they bring me now.

My cousin thanked me via email for taking her daughter on this trip. And she wrote me that not all the children are lucky to have such a good aunt like me.

And I replied that I do not believe in buying huge expensive gifts to children (=this is what majority of aunts do). But I do believe in doing fun stuff together & building nice memories.

**PS: one snowman asked them if they were good the whole year, before giving them candies. They replied yes. And then he asked me how good they were on the scale from 1 to 10. And I replied 9. And then the snowman gave them candies and then he said: "And one candy for the mommy for telling the truth."  
Being called mommy did not hurt. I am not a mommy and I will never be. It is just the way my life was meant to be. I am OK with that. And I do enjoy being an aunt to those two little girls.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

No more IVFs for me

Not that long ago my heart would be again full of hope if I read this article:

Not any more. No more IVFs for me. I am over 40. I am done with that chapter of my life. It was not meant to be... so it is a relief that it is over.

Off  I go, to visit my parents. I am looking forward to Mum's delicious nut roll.

Merry Christmas

I wish a merry Christmas to all my friends!
(PS: photo was taken on a Christmas day, few years ago...
this year we still don't have any snow)

Monday, December 23, 2013

When a story is told, it is not forgotten

“And so I write this for you, My Sarah. With the hope that one day, when you’re old enough, this story that lives with me, will live with you as well. When a story is told, it is not forgotten. It becomes something else, a memory of who we were; the hope of what we can become.”   Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

I still can not forget the movie. It is one of the movies when you watch it, you never forget.

I wrote my favourite quote in the movie.

By writing this blog, I am telling my story. A story of a woman, dealing with infertility and  finding a happy life after (despite being childless).

Infertility has always been and there will always be. It just is a fact of life.

So perhaps my story will help one day to somebody in the future...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Elle s'appelait Sarah / Sarah's Key

I have just watched the movie Elle s'appelait Sarah / Sarah's Key. This is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. And also a very sad one.

It is a movie that everybody should have to see it at least once.

More info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1668200/?ref_=rvi_tt


Two Year Blogaversary & Winter solstice

I had a lovely day yesterday. Being just before holidays, there was great atmosphere at work. Despite loads of work to be done, it was nice to work. And after work I went to the city centre for a mulled wine with 7 coworkers. The majority of them is aged around 30 - 33, we had lots of laughter together.  It was nice.

And being in the city centre of our beautiful capital I remembered that it has been two years since I wrote my first post:  
Thank you all of my readers. My healing process and my way to live-happily-after-infertility is much easier also thanks to you.

How the time flies! And being there with coworkers I realized how much happier I am as two years ago. It is true - time heals all wounds. Including the ones caused by infertility.

Today is 21st December which means it is winter solstice. I still love the symbolism of it - the dark nights are getting shorter and the bright days are getting longer. Toast to that!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Lisa & Jody

Would you like to know what am I doing at this moment?

I am listening to this conversation & loving it:

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Frog Prince

The Frog Prince

How do I know that I am on a way to recovery to a Happy Life after Infertility?

We were invited to new neighbours many times, but somehow managed to delay going there (couple is approx 10 years younger as we, they are parents to a 4-year-daughter and 4-months-old son).  At the end it would be impolite do decline invitation any longer, so we went there in late afternoon.

I don't like all the children, but I found their 4-year-daughter adorable. When having a tour of their brand new house, she invited me to her room. And she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I did. She choose The Frog Prince. It was lovely 15 minutes - reading to a little girl.

BTW: It was the first day of my period yesterday. In the past, this combination would be a guarantee for having a heart broken for a millionth time.

I was OK yesterday. I can't say I enjoyed the visit (it is still painful to be around newborns). But -  I was OK.

Lovely 15 minutes with a little 4-year-princess & the frog prince helped.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

My favourite post

If I had to choose my favourite post from the lat 2 years, it would be this one:

I still miss him, every day.

But I know he would want me to enjoy my NOW.

So I am off, for a long walk with a friend of mine (my age, single, childless). Sometimes we went for a long walk together - she, the Wolf and me, it was lovely (the Wolf adored her - since she always knew how to talk with him. And yes. Dogs love to receive compliments :)


I love my brother. But I guess it is time that I mark him on FB as Hide all future posts from the person "Brother".

His wife baked a beautiful cake and posted it on FB. There were lots of compliments and my brother wrote to her: "Delicious cake, mommy!"

I hate it, when spouses are calling themselves mommy and daddy.

(and hearing it from my brother - is the hardest  - since mommy - at least for me - can be only our Mom).

Friday, December 13, 2013

I want MY Christmas bonus

We found out today that this year will be the first year ever that we are not getting a Christmas bonus.
As a consolation we were told that this year's kids' Christmas presents (that kids of the employees get every year) will be much richer as before.

Can something else make me more pissed off?
The company is using MY Christmas bonus to buy gifts for OTHER children.


I am not allowing that this will spoil my first Happy December.
(well, it is not completely happy. I miss my beloved Wolf terribly, today I was dreaming about him).

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Well done, baby

Baby Touch Farm

This is something I say to myself when I manage to do a task that I am not comfortable doing, but it needs to be done. Baby meaning me, 40-year-old childless woman.

I spent all my childhood years living together with my family, my granny and my uncle's family. There were 4 kids under one roof. Lots of fun & laughter. I was the oldest one.

Yesterday my younger cousin (12 years younger) got his first child. I bought a little present and gave it to a cousin today, together with a congratulations card. It was hard, but I managed to to it without having my heart broken.  I hurried, so I managed to do it before his son arrives home. 

So now this is it - I am the only one of us 4 to be left childless. For good.

On a way back I saw my ex boy-friend with whom I was during university. I hadn't seen him for the last couple of years, which is good. I do not want to remember that years (long story short: we really did not belong together). I guess if I wanted to have children, my only option would be then, before I damaged my tubes & ovaries in my late 20s.

As much as I regret not having a child, I would never ever want to have a child with anybody but my DH. And I met him only later in life...

As Mitch Albom said - it is what it is.

(and I am not bitter about it - it just is a fact of my life). And I have to accept it if I want to live a happily ever after (after meaning infertility).

A fox, who found a friend

Yesterday I saw a woman in a brand new fox fur coat. It made me sad. How many beautiful animals had to suffer and die because of that heartless woman.

Then I remember a beautiful article that I read in Stern (I often read it, to improve my German):

Look at the photos, they are beautiful (the story is from Norway, about the friendship between dog & fox).

Monday, December 9, 2013

The five people you meet in Heaven

I am back. I had a great time. 

Each evening and in the metro I was reading this book:

The Five People You Meet in Heaven
I really liked it. 

My favourite character was Marguerite - who - the same as me - could not have children.

...As always with Marguerite and children, his mood is lifted by her easy connection to them and dampened by her inability to have them. One doctor said she was to nervous. Another said she had waited to long, she should have had them by the age 25. In time, they ran out of money for doctors. It was what it was.

When I read the last sentence, I felt an instant connection. It is the same sentence that I use so many time. It is what it is.

The love between Marguerite & her husband is gentle and deep. It is described so beautifully that I wouldn't be surprised if also the writer and his wife could not have children (my penfriend told me that they do not have children).

There were some awkward situations on my trip, but I did not let them to destroy my first beautiful December after whole decade.

1. There was a 21-year-Italian-student that was helping. A man that I never met before asked me if she was my daughter (damn, and I always think that I look young. Obviously not.).
2. I was chatting with a colleague from another company. He is typical extroverted person. I am not. So when there was nothing more to chat about he started a new topic. He said: "My two girls are sleeping right now. I got an SMS from my mother."  (BTW: Two girls meaning his wife and newborn daughter). Come on - do I really need to know this? I just said: "Oh, that's lovely" and excused myself. And avoided this person for the rest of the time.

PS: I hope that one of the five that I meet in Heaven will be my beloved Wolf. I miss him terribly.  He really was such a good dog (well, also basterd on many times - but I loved him just the way he was).

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Goodbye for one week

I live in a small country (total population: 2 million). So obviously we do not have any metro, not even in the capital.

I am packing my suitcases, I am off to a big city (metro system of this city is published above) for almost one week (work trip). I will use metro a lot, to move around the city. My favourite stop: Duomo. I have seen the cathedral many times, but whenever I step out of the metro and see it again, it is breathtaking. I have never seen it in December yet, so I guess it will be magical.

I will miss my DH. But I am happy to go. As I have written before: this is the silver lining of infertility: I have a freedom to go abroad for work a lot. 

A dear penfriend of mine from the USA (we met on my blog) recommended a book "The five people you meet in heaven"... it arrived yesterday so it is already packed in my bags, so I will be able to read it in the evenings. I am looking forward to it!



PS: more info about the city where I am going to: www.tourism.milan.it

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

December Resolution

There are so many work parties that I can attend.
December Resolution: I will go only to the ones that I feel like.
For others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

I will set dates in December to do something (visit city center of our capital that looks like fairytale in December & drinking hot tea / glue wine ....) only with few of the dearest friends (2 or max 3).
For all others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

This is the first December after infertility dark age that I intend to enjoy fully.

Looking forward!