Saturday, March 30, 2013

I will never be a mother-in-law and I don't care :)

There is one traditional pastry that we always eat for all major holidays (Christmas, Easter...) - potica. Really delicious (sweet, with walnuts).

My mother in law asked me today, while baking potica: "Are you going to bake it yourself, later on at home?" And I replied "No, I don't have to, since I have a mother-in-law."

And her reply was: "Well, when you become mother-in-law yourself, then you will have to bake it."

(my mother-in-law is already 80, she has serious dementia (Alzheimer, early stage), so she doesn't know any more, that I am beyond the age of having kids).

Her reply didn't make me sad.

I am still sad sometimes that I will never be a mother.

But I really do not care that I will never be a mother-in-law :)

Friday, March 29, 2013

I feel rich

I feel good. I just returned from a long day at the office. And now 3 completely free days are waiting for me (in this part of Europe it is a holiday on Easter Monday).

It will be raining cats and dogs for the next three days, but I don't really mind. Since my best friend Mattie lent me these three books today:

The Girl You Left BehindThe Perks of Being a WallflowerThe Hundred-Year-Old Man: Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared

So yes. I feel rich :)

Mattie and me, we both love buying books in English on this website:

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

A break

On the picture: beautiful Dubrovnik, Croatia

As I have already written, I like the work that I do. But sometimes I just wish I could take some months off and have some me-time.

Literally all women that I know my age have taken so far twice or three times a year off (or actually 13 months off work) - for each newborn. And I have been working non-stop for the last 15 years (except 20 days of holiday per year).

I know that women who have newborns, have lot of work. But still, they manage to escape daily work routine for one year (since maternity leave is almost 100 % paid for whole year, all mothers take the whole year off).

The resolution: for my 50th birthday (in 10 years time) I will give myself the best gift ever. One year off. To travel. Or just to stay home, enjoy my life with DH, a dog, growing vegetables, taking long walks, reading books...

For the start - I am really really looking forward for 10 days of holidays in Dalmatia in May, two of them will be spent with Pamela. Can't wait!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

To survive today

Reminder for today:  do not listen to the radio, don't watch TV, don't go on FB today.

In this part of Europe we celebrate mother's day today.

So - you know what I am talking about.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Taking care of myself

I had coffee with one of my coworkers (mother of two) on Friday. She started to explain how tired she always is. She is taking good care of her two children, but she just doesn't have any time to take care of herself.

When I came home that day, I prepared  XXL bowl of dandelion salad (my mum is picking it up for me) with lots and lots of vitamins. And then I went for a walk with beloved Wolf. Yes indeed, I do have time. And I do take care of myself.


I just got my period. I remembered how heartbroken I was for almost a decade - whenever a first day of period arrived. I am not sad any more. It is, what it is.

Have a beautiful Sunday!

(It is snowing in this part of Europe.... incredible beginning of spring).

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Since I don't have any children any more

I have to write down extra cute & sad story  that my husband told me today.

He visited a client and while chatting they discovered they have something in common: both of them have a  sick dog (her dog is actually much sicker then ours).

The client said: "Since I don't have any children any more, this dog means so much to me" and then she started crying.

I feel sorry for her and for the dog.

But what I found so interesting is her sentence. Because she does have children (my age) and she does have lots of grandchildren. So I found this sentence so interesting...

(I know she wanted actually to say that her children do not live at home any more... but I still found her sentence cute )

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The last time I mention adoption on my blog

Here it is, a promise: this is the last time that I mention adoption on my blog.

It was never a question whether to adopt or not for me & my DH. We are both absolutely sure,  that living childless is the only option for us, if we want to find our happiness again. 

But it bothers me - people that I know, asking why we don't just adopt. Such a rude and hurtful question.

Today I read a sad story about parents who lost two sons. So sad, I feel sorry for them.

I guess nobody would be rude enough to advise them to adopt. This comment would be extremely mean, everybody knows that.

But why do not people understand, that it is not OK to ask me, why I don't adopt? I am not OK with this question and I will never be.

Spring is coming, sun will be there during the weekend. I am looking forward to it! It is high time for spring sun & jogging & positive thinking.

Monday, March 18, 2013

The meanest thing II

Today we have the worst weather in the last few years. It is terrible. It was snowing the whole day, we have  30 centimeters of new snow. And then it started to rain and it is raining cats and dogs. The rain is so cold that the snow is not melting, so we have 30 centimeters of soaking wet snow. I used public transport for going to/from work, I came home soaking wet (and NOT in a good mood). 

One driver drove very fast, I tried to hide myself, but I couldn't. So I got a huge portion of snow from the road on my beloved black coat. I was really pissed off. The driver obviously saw me, he just didn't care. I just thought - and I should adopt? Come on. No, thank you. One of the reasons why we never seriously considered adoption is because deep down in ourselves we believe that majority of people is not kind hearted.

We went for a walk yesterday to the capital. And there were some teenagers who were throwing bread to an avenue (when the cars had red light). Lots of pigeons came for food. And then the teenagers waited how many birds will be killed. Really awful. If I wanted to save the birds, I would put myself to danger. The teenagers would continue their project anyway. So we just went away. I just said to my DH: "This could be also our adopted son." And we just said: "No, thank you."

Obviously I don't want to say that adopted children are mean in general. But I am 100 % sure that a child with our genes would be kind hearted and would never ever intentionally hurt any animal.

And now to the second meanest thing that I have ever heard, few months ago.

I was on a business trip with a coworker from another branch and she started a topic about an adoption (she is absolutely sure that after adopting a child I would find complete happiness... just a note: this coworker really doesn't know me well).  I wouldn't discuss anything with her now. But this conversation took place before the decision that non-adopting is only our decision and it concerns only the two of us and nobody else.

She wanted to know why I decided not to adopt. One of the reasons I quoted was that I was absolutely sure that if we had a child of our own, he / she would be smart, with no difficulties with going through education system (note: I think that my DH is one of the most intelligent people I know, I always loved the idea that our child would inherit his IQ). And with adopted children it is very risky. I read too many stories about adoption who did not went well (some of them were published in Time) and this is a risk we are not willing to take.

And my coworker's respond was: "You have absolutely no guarantee that your child would be smart. Since you are so old, he/she could be born with Down Syndrome".

So yes. I learned. I never ever discuss adoption with anybody. Except DH, two closest friends and my childless-bloggie-friends.

Another note: I know that adopting a child can be wonderful. But I just know - deep down in myself - that if we tried it, it wouldn't go well. 

And as one of my bloggie friends wrote not long ago: "I'd maxed out on my heartbreak card".

Sunday, March 17, 2013


I think that English is the most beautiful language on Earth. But music is the most beautiful in Italian.

Two of my favourite songs of the week:


Eros Ramazzotti:

Have a beautiful Sunday!

Friday, March 15, 2013


I planted 10 tulip bulbs on the balcony in autumn. Just yesterday I noticed that I have 10 small  tulips.  I am looking forward to having beautiful 10 tulips of mixed colours in few weeks!

When admiring small tulips an ugly thought crossed my mind. How come that I had more then 10 embryos transferred and not even one could live? 

When I started to blog my husband kept asking me: But what will you write about (he obviously knew that I wanted to write about life after infertility). Infertility scared me for life. Yes, I have plenty to write about...

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Habemus Papam

How exciting - we just got a new pope!

I am not really religious. But Catholicism is the major religion in my country, so election of the new pope it is something I find interesting.

I never go to church in my country.

But when I am travelling, especially alone, for work, I love to visit basilicas and cathedrals. I like to sit down and find peace there.

I visited a beautiful cathedral on my last business trip. I visited this cathedral for at least ten times since I travel to that city often. And for the last 8 years I remember I was always asking God only for one thing: to give us a child.

It felt liberating this time. Sitting in the quiet cathedral, not asking for a child. All I asked for was health and love and peace at my heart. I know. I asked a lot.

PS: The photo was taken by me, in Vatican, two years ago. I spent some lovely days with DH in Rome then.

PPS: Home, sweet home. It is nice to be back.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Free as a bird

Don't get me wrong.
There still doesn't get a day by without thinking how wonderful would it be to have a child.
But being childless gives me flexibility. Sometimes I literally feel free as a bird.
So when one of my coworkers got sick and my boss asked me if I could go abroad tomorrow, for one week, my answer was of course YES :)
I admit. I am blog-addicted. I will miss my blog & you & your blogs terribly. But I can not acess anyting from my laptop since I do not want that my employer has access to my very personal data.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Taking care of my body

I always start my day in  the office with preparing black vanilla tea with milk for me. Today in the morning I entered the kitchenette when three coworkers from another department were having small talk how tired they feel in spring since they don't have time to exercise. They are always driving - first the kids to kindergarten / school. Then to work. In the afternoon they pick up kids and then drive them again to extra activities.

I did not join the conversation.

Their conversation made me smile. I have plenty of time for exercising. I make sure that I go for a walk every day, at least for one hour.  

Yes. There are some benefits of being childless :)


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Greetings from my beloved Wolf

Photo from today's walk.
It was beautiful. I love the combination of snow & sun & the beloved Wolf & DH & Sunday.
The Wolf says thank you for all your kind wishes.

The girl with the dragon tattoo

One year ago we watched the Swedish movie (and loved it): 

Yesterday we started to watch the American version:

(it is also good, we will finish watching it tonight, it was already too late yesterday).

There is one comment that I have to make.

In Swedish version of the movie Mikael Blomkvist is a journalist in his 40s, single, without children.

In American version of the movie Mikael Blomkvist is a journalist in his 40s, divorced, father of a teenage daughter. 

Watching first the Swedish movie I just thought: Did the producers of American movie really think that it is impossible for a man in his 40s to be without children? I was really disappointed that they changed that. 

Just adopt

I loved Tracey's post: 

How many good posts are out there!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Why I left the fertility treatment roller coaster

I just read Pamela's new post "Why I left the fertility treatment roller coaster and where I found my place in a motherhood-mad world" 

Beautifully written!


I met with an ex-coworker for a hot chocolate yesterday evening. We meet only once or twice a year, but whenever we do, it is really nice to talk with her. She is a mother of two girls.
She was explaining me yesterday how deeply she is hurt sometimes by her eldest daughter (already a teenager) because of her complete selfishness. Sometimes it takes days before she can forgive her. And how sometimes she taught that adoption would be perfect solution for me (I am grateful, she never said it). And how she doesn't think that anymore. Because mother-child relationship can be very complicated (although it is socially inappropriate to talk about it) even if a child has your genes.

I felt good. It feels good to be able to really talk to somebody.


What is even more perfect - is to be able to talk to somebody who lived your experience.

Pamela - can't wait for our holidays in 69 days! Dalmatia is really beautiful.  I will try to order the sun :)