Friday, August 31, 2012

The art of conversation

Today was a beautiful day. It already started with a nice surprise - Mali included me in her blog: 

I had to work really hard today at work, but I did not mind since I felt so good.  It was a comforting thought - I am not alone.  I have soul-mates all around the world that understand me.

I am really happy that I wasn't born before Internet was discovered :)

Thursday, August 30, 2012


I have 7 aunts & uncles all together and I don't feel connected to them at all.  I wasn't connected even as a child. So -- no bad feelings.

One of my aunts visited my parents couple of days ago. She is Dad's younger sister who lives couple of hours drive away so I haven't seen her for few years.

We spent some hours together: aunt, her husband, her two sons in early 20's, my parents, my brother & his wife & their two daughters and me & my DH.

It was frustrating to see how uninterested my aunt was in me. I tried to have a conversation, but was not successful. She didn't ask me even one question - like where I work now, if I like my work, whatever. But she had millions of questions for my brother & sister-in-law. Of course all related to child-bringing.

I know there are women that are actually able to talk only about babies & children. It is just sad to see that my aunt is also one of them.

I have a special programme in cases of people like my aunt. I just don't see them. Ever again. So that they can not hurt me again.

The programme works perfectly fine. It is just that I have every year less people. Which is fine by me.

Infertility has learned me to appreciate the people that I DO have in my life.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Me before you

There is a good reason why I kept quiet for couple of days.

I spent all my free time swimming in the lake (until yesterday we had hot hot summer). And reading a beautiful book - Me before you. I really liked it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

School books

1st September - beginning of new school year - is approaching. What I have been hearing lately (it is the same every year) - is lots of moaning, how expensive books & exercise books are.

And all I want to do is scream - shut the f*** up! I would LOVE to pay for all he books & everything for MY kid. If I was only lucky enough to have him/her.

(only short PS: education - from primary school to university - is completely free of charge. So - really nothing to moan about!).

Thursday, August 16, 2012

A Shine Of Rainbows

I watched this Canadian movie yesterday.  It is lovely. Beautiful. Has anybody seen it perhaps?

I cried so much watching this movie. So touching!

I loved the little Tomas so much! If I knew that our adopted son would be so kind as that little boy, I would love do adopt. 

(But we are not considering it really, since we are not willing to put our lives on hold for ever. Enough of hoping & waiting for us!)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Always look on the bright side of life

It was a holiday in this part of Europe (Assumption) so I went for a long trekking with DH & the Wolf. Photo above was taken by me today. Isn't it lovely? If you look closely, you can see on the left, in the valley, the beautiful lake that I am always talking about.

We made approximately 10 miles long trekking and we had a great time. It is so good to be outside, on the fresh air. With small kids long trekkings wouldn't be possible. So - another advantage of being childfree.

Always look on the bright side of life :)


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Finding my tribe

While going through all infertility treatments I found online, in my country, a great support group. We met often also in person and I was really very happy to have somebody to talk to.

While the years went by I remained almost the only one without a child. I felt again so lonely... Even the girls who went for years through infertility couldn't really get me. Because they obviously understood how it feels to want to have a child and not be able to have it soon. While I really understood how it feels to want to have a child and NEVER ever have it.

I remember June 2008  - I was just going through one of my dark days and I was surfing on NY Times (searching anything related to infertility) when I clicked on this link:

And the first short interview that I listened to was Pamela. I liked her immediately. I found her blog and through her blog I actually found my tribe.

How lovely it is not to be alone! Pamela - thank you for writing your blog & book. I am really grateful. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

Missing Maria

Listening to Rolling Stones today brought many beautiful memories back.

I remember being 22 years old and travelling for the first time with Interrail. I went to Spain to visit my friend Maria.  And while staying with Maria there was a concert of Rolling Stones in Gijon, a city just few kilometers away. Of course we went there - with lots of Maria's friends. We were young and broke and just couldn't afford to buy the tickets. So we listened to the concert outside.  It was still great... but we really wished to be able to be inside.

Few days ago Maria would have her 41st birthday.  Here is a link to Maria's post (for all new readers): 

I really miss her!

As I have already written in spring, with Maria's death I realized how short life can be. And that none of us really knows how many days /  years are waiting for us. I realized that I have to start living NOW. To live in the moment. Enjoy my life the way as it is. Not to focuse on the things I do not have. But to focus on the things that I do have in my life. To be happy. Enjoy life. NOW.

The photo above was taken by me, yesterday, on the walk around the lake.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

It is just a fact of life: You Can't Always Get What You Want.

This fact made me heartbroken for many years. Now I am learning to accept it. And live happily.

I had a busy & beautiful Sunday with my DH and the Wolf, trekking in nature. We were so tired in the evening that we just went to sleep at 21:30. One of small luxuries of being childfree.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Beautiful summer

We are having beautiful sunny & hot summer in my country. And I literally do not have any time for any thinking about infertility :)

There are 2 alpine lakes near where I live (above is the photo of one of them). They are beautiful, especially the one on the photo, that is less touristy. So from Friday to Monday I went swimming every single day! Both lakes have now 24 C and they are crystal clear.

I couldn't help of thinking of last year's August. I was already on different drugs, preparing my body for a treatment with egg donation. And my body did not take drugs well - it was so swollen for many weeks. So I missed the whole swimming season. 

I really really enjoy my drug-free summer & swimming so much!  


In the first year of my infertility I was so sorrow & bitter that I could not even be kind to any kids in the neighbourhood. Now it is easier every year (I really do love children, at least most of them).  I am kind to them. I know how to talk with small kids.

Yesterday when I took my trash out, I saw in the distance a neighbour. And her 3 year old daughter said very loudly: "Look mommy, there is my friend!". Isn't it sweet? It was the first time ever that a child so young called me a friend :)

And this neighbour isn't really a close friend, it is just a girl that I have known for ages so we always chat a bit when we meet.